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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Jack Harbaugh Admits He's Pulling For Tom Brady To Win Fourth Super Bowl

MEQUON, WI—In anticipation of Sunday’s conference championship games, retired college coach Jack Harbaugh told reporters that he is rooting for Tom Brady to lead the New England Patriots to another Super Bowl victory, saying the veteran quarterback deserves a fourth ring. "Of everyone playing the game right now, Brady ought to to take home the big win, because he's a great guy, a great competitor, and it would be awesome to see him rack up another title while he's still got it," said the former Western Kentucky Hilltoppers head coach, father of three, who pointed to Matt Ryan of the Atlanta Falcons as the only other remaining quarterback who deserves to make the Super Bowl. "It would have been amazing to see another classic Brady-[Peyton] Manning AFC matchup, but now that the Broncos are out, I don't see who's going to stop the Patriots from going all the way. Anyone standing between them and that trophy better watch out." Harbaugh, who went on to praise the Patriots' Bill Belichick as "the best in the league" and "my kind of coach," expressed disappointment that the formidable gridiron tactician wouldn't face much in the way of competition en route to securing yet another championship.

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