adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Jack Nicklaus: Portrait Of A Still-Living Golf Legend

(The OSN copywriters did a great job putting together a terrific memorial post when it looked like the sporting world had lost Jack Nicklaus, it would be a shame not to use it.)

Today, officials confirmed that Jack Nicklaus, PGA legend and all-time leader in Major tournaments won, is still alive. With the news that he is not dead, Nicklaus will continue to be remembered for his ambassadorship for the game, world-class power and his unparalleled golf mind -- a mind that also continues to regulate vital functions of living humans, such as breathing, and the beating of his heart.

With 18 career Major championships, Nicklaus is regarded as the most accomplished golfer to ever play the sport -- an accomplishment that is even more impressive when one considers he could win more because he is still alive. After his career was over, Nicklaus stayed involved with golf, designing courses and analyzing the sport in print and on television, hobbies he will likely pursue as long as he continues to draw breath.

"He [is] truly an example, not just for our sport, but for everyone who watched [and will continue to watch] him," said PGA deputy spokesperson Sean Veronesi. "Our [congratulations] go out to his [current] family." He is 71 years old, and will turn 72 in January if he lives that long.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close