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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Jack Nicklaus: Portrait Of A Still-Living Golf Legend

(The OSN copywriters did a great job putting together a terrific memorial post when it looked like the sporting world had lost Jack Nicklaus, it would be a shame not to use it.)

Today, officials confirmed that Jack Nicklaus, PGA legend and all-time leader in Major tournaments won, is still alive. With the news that he is not dead, Nicklaus will continue to be remembered for his ambassadorship for the game, world-class power and his unparalleled golf mind -- a mind that also continues to regulate vital functions of living humans, such as breathing, and the beating of his heart.

With 18 career Major championships, Nicklaus is regarded as the most accomplished golfer to ever play the sport -- an accomplishment that is even more impressive when one considers he could win more because he is still alive. After his career was over, Nicklaus stayed involved with golf, designing courses and analyzing the sport in print and on television, hobbies he will likely pursue as long as he continues to draw breath.

"He [is] truly an example, not just for our sport, but for everyone who watched [and will continue to watch] him," said PGA deputy spokesperson Sean Veronesi. "Our [congratulations] go out to his [current] family." He is 71 years old, and will turn 72 in January if he lives that long.

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