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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Jack White Teams Up With NBA Commissioner David Stern In Latest Side Project

NASHVILLE, TN—Saying that he likes the raw, untrained quality of Stern's vocals, White Stripes front man Jack White has teamed up with NBA commissioner David Stern in his latest side project, called Lakota Brick. According to the 33-year-old White, the band consists of himself, primarily on reed organ, and Stern, 66, on vocals and electric guitar. "The Raconteurs allowed me to experiment with more of a poppy sound, and the Dead Weather is more loose and sexual. I think in Lakota Brick, with David's ability to attack the microphone, we get something completely unhinged and almost frightening," said White, adding that the band recorded its first album, Confederation Of Seven, in one week at his Nashville studio. "David is also an excellent lyricist. He came in with about a dozen composition notebooks filled with songs, and he also did the album's artwork." White added that Lakota Brick would be performing a series of surprise concerts throughout New Zealand in August.

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