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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Jack White Teams Up With NBA Commissioner David Stern In Latest Side Project

NASHVILLE, TN—Saying that he likes the raw, untrained quality of Stern's vocals, White Stripes front man Jack White has teamed up with NBA commissioner David Stern in his latest side project, called Lakota Brick. According to the 33-year-old White, the band consists of himself, primarily on reed organ, and Stern, 66, on vocals and electric guitar. "The Raconteurs allowed me to experiment with more of a poppy sound, and the Dead Weather is more loose and sexual. I think in Lakota Brick, with David's ability to attack the microphone, we get something completely unhinged and almost frightening," said White, adding that the band recorded its first album, Confederation Of Seven, in one week at his Nashville studio. "David is also an excellent lyricist. He came in with about a dozen composition notebooks filled with songs, and he also did the album's artwork." White added that Lakota Brick would be performing a series of surprise concerts throughout New Zealand in August.

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