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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Jack White Teams Up With NBA Commissioner David Stern In Latest Side Project

NASHVILLE, TN—Saying that he likes the raw, untrained quality of Stern's vocals, White Stripes front man Jack White has teamed up with NBA commissioner David Stern in his latest side project, called Lakota Brick. According to the 33-year-old White, the band consists of himself, primarily on reed organ, and Stern, 66, on vocals and electric guitar. "The Raconteurs allowed me to experiment with more of a poppy sound, and the Dead Weather is more loose and sexual. I think in Lakota Brick, with David's ability to attack the microphone, we get something completely unhinged and almost frightening," said White, adding that the band recorded its first album, Confederation Of Seven, in one week at his Nashville studio. "David is also an excellent lyricist. He came in with about a dozen composition notebooks filled with songs, and he also did the album's artwork." White added that Lakota Brick would be performing a series of surprise concerts throughout New Zealand in August.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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