Jacksonville Jaguars Stun NFL By Taking Completely Different Road To Super Bowl

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Jacksonville Jaguars Stun NFL By Taking Completely Different Road To Super Bowl

ARLINGTON, TX—Bypassing the traditional route of winning in the playoffs, the 8-8 Jacksonville Jaguars stunned the NFL Monday by exploiting a little-known loophole to qualify for Super Bowl XLV. "Although the Jaguars didn't beat any teams in the postseason, they filled out the paperwork properly, handed in the 350-page application on time, and got the signatures of the necessary CEOs and small-business owners," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that while the unorthodox route to the Super Bowl has been in place for more than 30 years, teams who consider taking it usually become discouraged by having to write essays on both the Federalist Papers and Thomas Pynchon's V. "So here we are. Steelers, Packers, Jags. All three, very deserving teams." According to Goodell, the Jaguars almost didn't make the Super Bowl, but center Brad Meester was able to prove he had opened up a Roth IRA just before the Jan. 1 deadline.


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