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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Jacksonville Jaguars Stun NFL By Taking Completely Different Road To Super Bowl

ARLINGTON, TX—Bypassing the traditional route of winning in the playoffs, the 8-8 Jacksonville Jaguars stunned the NFL Monday by exploiting a little-known loophole to qualify for Super Bowl XLV. "Although the Jaguars didn't beat any teams in the postseason, they filled out the paperwork properly, handed in the 350-page application on time, and got the signatures of the necessary CEOs and small-business owners," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that while the unorthodox route to the Super Bowl has been in place for more than 30 years, teams who consider taking it usually become discouraged by having to write essays on both the Federalist Papers and Thomas Pynchon's V. "So here we are. Steelers, Packers, Jags. All three, very deserving teams." According to Goodell, the Jaguars almost didn't make the Super Bowl, but center Brad Meester was able to prove he had opened up a Roth IRA just before the Jan. 1 deadline.

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