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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Jaded Seismologist Can No Longer Feel Anything Under 7.0 On Richter Scale

SAN FRANCISCO—Numbed by 30-plus years of recording more than 700,000 major and minor earthquakes, seismologist Richard Keefer, 58, told reporters yesterday that earthquakes measuring below 7.0 on the Richter magnitude scale do absolutely nothing for him anymore. "In my younger days, even something as small as a 3.0 would get my blood pumping," said Keefer, adding that once you've felt a 5.5 quake, you've felt them all. "Now I'm lucky if a 6.8 even gets me out of bed." According to Keefer, the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, which measured 9.0 on the Richter scale and killed more than 225,000 people, was the last time the seismologist felt alive.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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