PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that the utmost precaution was being taken to safeguard the future of humanity, leading scientists and engineers said Tuesday that they were confident in their ability to program artificially intelligent machines to be lenient slave masters.
SAN FRANCISCO—Numbed by 30-plus years of recording more than 700,000 major and minor earthquakes, seismologist Richard Keefer, 58, told reporters yesterday that earthquakes measuring below 7.0 on the Richter magnitude scale do absolutely nothing for him anymore. "In my younger days, even something as small as a 3.0 would get my blood pumping," said Keefer, adding that once you've felt a 5.5 quake, you've felt them all. "Now I'm lucky if a 6.8 even gets me out of bed." According to Keefer, the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, which measured 9.0 on the Richter scale and killed more than 225,000 people, was the last time the seismologist felt alive.