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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Jaguars Surprised By String Of Prospects Openly Discussing Prior Drug Use, Criminal Activity During Interviews

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that the players completely squandered the opportunity to be selected third overall in this year’s NFL Draft, bewildered officials from the Jacksonville Jaguars front office confirmed Friday that a large number of top prospects readily offered to discuss their prior drug use and criminal activity during interviews with the team. “It really only took one or two minutes before most players started openly talking about their troubled pasts and how they would never change,” said Jaguars head coach Gus Bradley, adding that almost every player freely admitted to associating with known gang members, frequently visiting prostitutes, and carrying unlicensed firearms at all times. “One guy told me that even though it’s not publicly known, he was arrested the night before, and another came right out and told me he was currently high. Plus, one of the corners we had at the top of our board immediately told us he’s planning on stabbing someone at a nightclub next week. This was a particularly forthright class.” Jaguars personnel told reporters this was the most eye-opening round of interviews since 2012, when Andrew Luck assured Jacksonville scouts that he would soon be indicted on rape charges.

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