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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Jaguars Surprised By String Of Prospects Openly Discussing Prior Drug Use, Criminal Activity During Interviews

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that the players completely squandered the opportunity to be selected third overall in this year’s NFL Draft, bewildered officials from the Jacksonville Jaguars front office confirmed Friday that a large number of top prospects readily offered to discuss their prior drug use and criminal activity during interviews with the team. “It really only took one or two minutes before most players started openly talking about their troubled pasts and how they would never change,” said Jaguars head coach Gus Bradley, adding that almost every player freely admitted to associating with known gang members, frequently visiting prostitutes, and carrying unlicensed firearms at all times. “One guy told me that even though it’s not publicly known, he was arrested the night before, and another came right out and told me he was currently high. Plus, one of the corners we had at the top of our board immediately told us he’s planning on stabbing someone at a nightclub next week. This was a particularly forthright class.” Jaguars personnel told reporters this was the most eye-opening round of interviews since 2012, when Andrew Luck assured Jacksonville scouts that he would soon be indicted on rape charges.

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