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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Jakob Dylan Still Not Convinced Father A Better Songwriter

LOS ANGELES—Although his father, Bob Dylan, is widely considered to be the voice of a generation, Jakob Dylan, lead singer of folk-rock band the Wallflowers, said Monday he remains unconvinced that his father is the family's most talented songwriter. "I definitely think the verdict is still out," said Dylan, adding that time will be the ultimate judge of whether he or the elder Dylan will turn out to be more influential. "Sure, by the time Dad was 21, he had already written 'Blowin' in the Wind,' but let's not forget I'm only 38. I'm still maturing as an artist, and I have a whole notebook of ideas." Dylan added that he may have caused a greater stir in the music world than his father ever did when he was mercilessly booed for performing an acoustic version of "One Headlight" at Pennsylvania's Fayette County Fair in 2005.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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