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JaMarcus Russell Currently Failing Drug Test

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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JaMarcus Russell Currently Failing Drug Test

LOS ANGELES—Former Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell is currently in a Los Angeles Police Department bathroom failing a drug test, records will confirm Wednesday when the urine sample undergoes its initial toxicology screening. "I don't even know why I'm doing this. I'm totally clean now," Russell said moments ago from behind a closed bathroom-stall door while excreting urea containing high levels of marijuana, OxyContin, cocaine, and methamphetamine. "This is total bullshit, I'm telling you. Ah, shoot! Damn it, my shoes… Hey, man, can you slip me some paper towels? Got a bit of a situation in here." At press time, Russell asked to take the test again after purchasing a bottle of Gatorade he was trying to conceal in his left jacket pocket.

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