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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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JaMarcus Russell Currently Failing Drug Test

LOS ANGELES—Former Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell is currently in a Los Angeles Police Department bathroom failing a drug test, records will confirm Wednesday when the urine sample undergoes its initial toxicology screening. "I don't even know why I'm doing this. I'm totally clean now," Russell said moments ago from behind a closed bathroom-stall door while excreting urea containing high levels of marijuana, OxyContin, cocaine, and methamphetamine. "This is total bullshit, I'm telling you. Ah, shoot! Damn it, my shoes… Hey, man, can you slip me some paper towels? Got a bit of a situation in here." At press time, Russell asked to take the test again after purchasing a bottle of Gatorade he was trying to conceal in his left jacket pocket.

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