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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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James Bond Fans Concerned After Learning New Film’s Shooting Locations All In New Hampshire

NEW YORK—Reacting with a mixture of surprise and disappointment, fans of the James Bond series voiced concern Thursday after learning that all of the latest installment’s shooting locations would be in New Hampshire. “A Bond film is known for its exotic locales, so I get a little nervous when I read about Sam Mendes securing the rights to shoot in downtown Concord and scouting covered bridges for the opening action sequence,” said fan Peter Harris of the series’ 24th film, which will reportedly feature 007 tracking a shadowy terrorist organization through conservation centers, hiking trails, and craft museums throughout the rural state, culminating in a final confrontation at the Franklin Pierce Homestead. “Sure, the clip of Daniel Craig emerging from a tiny submersible onto a beach at Lake Winnipesaukee is vintage Bond, but it’s going to feel kind of lame and static unless they at least whisk us off to a maple farm in Vermont.” Fans were also reportedly divided over the decision to change the name of the film from Spectre to Live Free Or Die.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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