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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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James Dyson Meets In Secret With Alien Ambassador To Receive Technology For New Hand Dryer

TUCUMCARI, NM—Greeting the extraterrestrial diplomat at their usual rendezvous point atop an isolated mesa in the High Plains of eastern New Mexico, Dyson Ltd CEO James Dyson reportedly met in secret with an alien ambassador from the Zartrepylon star system to receive the latest technology for a new hand dryer Thursday night. “I bring you our newest design, the Cyclinox, the most powerful hand dryer in the Virgo Supercluster,” said Ambassador Ahololoax, Intergalactic Minister of the Phylexor Dominion, handing the businessman the new wall-mounted device while explaining how it used an advanced system of fans beyond human comprehension to blow a concentrated sheet of air 1.8 times faster and with 70 percent more energy efficiency than any primitive earthling hand dryer technology. “Our kingdom has the driest hands in all the galaxy. It would take 500 of your Earth years for your species to even begin developing the airblade technology needed to eliminate moisture with such speed and hygiene, but alas, we bestow it upon you to spread to your people and further the progress of your race.” Before leaving, the ambassador reportedly told Dyson he would return with his kind’s latest vacuum cleaner whenever he felt humanity could properly handle such powerful cyclonic suction.

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Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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