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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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James Fenimore Cooper, Famed American Novelist, Dies At 224

COOPERSTOWN, NY—James Fenimore Cooper, the prolific author of numerous historical romances about the early American frontier whose 1826 novel The Last Of The Mohicans established him as one of the nation’s most popular and enduring writers, died today at age 224 at his home in Cooperstown, NY, family members have confirmed. “We are heartbroken today by the passing of James Fenimore Cooper, a beloved husband, father, and patriot who captivated generations of readers with his sweeping sagas of the frontier experience and abiding love for the American wilderness,” a spokesman for the Cooper family said from the author’s estate where he had lived quietly with his family for the past 162 years. “His legacy will live on in the hearts of his family and the millions of readers around the world who continue to enjoy his work. We thank you all for your support during this difficult time.” Fenimore, whose wife, Susan, passed away in 1851, is survived by more than 170 children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great-grandchildren, great-great-great grandchildren, great-great-great-great grandchildren, and great-great-great-great-great grandchildren, including Bradley Fenimore Cooper, Chris Fenimore Cooper, Anderson Fenimore Cooper, and Alice Fenimore Cooper.

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