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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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James Fenimore Cooper, Famed American Novelist, Dies At 224

COOPERSTOWN, NY—James Fenimore Cooper, the prolific author of numerous historical romances about the early American frontier whose 1826 novel The Last Of The Mohicans established him as one of the nation’s most popular and enduring writers, died today at age 224 at his home in Cooperstown, NY, family members have confirmed. “We are heartbroken today by the passing of James Fenimore Cooper, a beloved husband, father, and patriot who captivated generations of readers with his sweeping sagas of the frontier experience and abiding love for the American wilderness,” a spokesman for the Cooper family said from the author’s estate where he had lived quietly with his family for the past 162 years. “His legacy will live on in the hearts of his family and the millions of readers around the world who continue to enjoy his work. We thank you all for your support during this difficult time.” Fenimore, whose wife, Susan, passed away in 1851, is survived by more than 170 children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great-grandchildren, great-great-great grandchildren, great-great-great-great grandchildren, and great-great-great-great-great grandchildren, including Bradley Fenimore Cooper, Chris Fenimore Cooper, Anderson Fenimore Cooper, and Alice Fenimore Cooper.

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