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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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James Fenimore Cooper, Famed American Novelist, Dies At 224

COOPERSTOWN, NY—James Fenimore Cooper, the prolific author of numerous historical romances about the early American frontier whose 1826 novel The Last Of The Mohicans established him as one of the nation’s most popular and enduring writers, died today at age 224 at his home in Cooperstown, NY, family members have confirmed. “We are heartbroken today by the passing of James Fenimore Cooper, a beloved husband, father, and patriot who captivated generations of readers with his sweeping sagas of the frontier experience and abiding love for the American wilderness,” a spokesman for the Cooper family said from the author’s estate where he had lived quietly with his family for the past 162 years. “His legacy will live on in the hearts of his family and the millions of readers around the world who continue to enjoy his work. We thank you all for your support during this difficult time.” Fenimore, whose wife, Susan, passed away in 1851, is survived by more than 170 children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great-grandchildren, great-great-great grandchildren, great-great-great-great grandchildren, and great-great-great-great-great grandchildren, including Bradley Fenimore Cooper, Chris Fenimore Cooper, Anderson Fenimore Cooper, and Alice Fenimore Cooper.

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