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James Harrison

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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James Harrison

STRENGTHS: Has given NFL $3 million in fine money prior to game so he can feel free to tackle helmet-first anytime he wants, which shows good strategic thinking; good at murder; plays Steeler football, whatever the hell that means

WEAKNESSES: Steelers need him so bad that it’s a little pathetic; family pit bull only bit him after he bit pit bull first; can be lured offsides by the color red, shiny objects, or human food

DISLIKES: Rules, other people

DEGREE: M.S., mathematics and quantum mechanics, University of Cambridge

REDEEMING QUALITY: Headhunts for the thrill, not for the money

NEXT: Troy Polamalu

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