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James Harrison

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Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
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James Harrison

STRENGTHS: Has given NFL $3 million in fine money prior to game so he can feel free to tackle helmet-first anytime he wants, which shows good strategic thinking; good at murder; plays Steeler football, whatever the hell that means

WEAKNESSES: Steelers need him so bad that it’s a little pathetic; family pit bull only bit him after he bit pit bull first; can be lured offsides by the color red, shiny objects, or human food

DISLIKES: Rules, other people

DEGREE: M.S., mathematics and quantum mechanics, University of Cambridge

REDEEMING QUALITY: Headhunts for the thrill, not for the money

NEXT: Troy Polamalu

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