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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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James Harrison In Serious Talks With Steelers About Life, Being A Father

PITTSBURGH—Steelers linebacker James Harrison is participating in prolonged closed-door meetings with team management, including coach Mike Tomlin and team owner Dan Rooney, over the path a man must walk in life, particularly if he is to be a hero to his son. "James is confident in his abilities as a player, but the Steelers must understand that he wants to be the kind of man his son would want to be in turn," Harrison's agent Bill Parise told reporters Tuesday. "It's a deeply complex issue, but I think Mr. Rooney agrees with James in principle about standing up for yourself and just wants him to be a bit more realistic about the nature of masculinity and a man's expectations for his children in an increasingly complex world." Harrison and the Steelers are currently deliberating over a clause in Rudyard Kipling's manhood-advice poem 'If' that would require Harrison and his offspring to "meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same."

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