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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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James Harrison In Serious Talks With Steelers About Life, Being A Father

PITTSBURGH—Steelers linebacker James Harrison is participating in prolonged closed-door meetings with team management, including coach Mike Tomlin and team owner Dan Rooney, over the path a man must walk in life, particularly if he is to be a hero to his son. "James is confident in his abilities as a player, but the Steelers must understand that he wants to be the kind of man his son would want to be in turn," Harrison's agent Bill Parise told reporters Tuesday. "It's a deeply complex issue, but I think Mr. Rooney agrees with James in principle about standing up for yourself and just wants him to be a bit more realistic about the nature of masculinity and a man's expectations for his children in an increasingly complex world." Harrison and the Steelers are currently deliberating over a clause in Rudyard Kipling's manhood-advice poem 'If' that would require Harrison and his offspring to "meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same."

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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