James Holmes Elected New NRA President

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Vol 49 Issue 19

Dog Owners Have Healthier Hearts

The American Heart Association officially announced that people who owned pets, particularly dogs, appeared to have a reduced risk of heart disease and had better survival rates than those without pets.

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ETNA, PA—Moments after watching him finish his fifth alcoholic beverage at the Crow’s Nest Bar and Grill Thursday night, sources reported local man Chris Serna, 32, had completed the task of getting drunk with a high degree of efficiency and s...
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James Holmes Elected New NRA President

FAIRFAX, VA—Saying that he embodies the organization’s core values and beliefs, members of the National Rifle Association elected Aurora, CO mass shooter James Holmes as their new president Monday, sources confirmed. “Mr. Holmes is not only a powerful symbol and advocate of Second Amendment rights, but he’s also a high-profile gun owner himself,” said NRA member Tyler Paulson, 46, who claimed he could think of no one better to lead the group through its current challenges than the man who shot and killed 12 people in a Colorado movie theater. “The fact is, Mr. Holmes isn’t afraid to stand up for what he believes in. We support James Holmes 100 percent and are excited to see where he decides to lead us going forward.” At press time, Holmes and NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre were spotted laughing with one another and shaking hands during Holmes’ visiting hours.

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