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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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James Magnussen

Swimming — Australia

Weaknesses: Technologically advanced American suits superior to Australian team’s heavy wool; sometimes distracted by coins on the bottom of the pool

Favorite Part Of Swimming: Big fuzzy towels with Olympic logo on them

Number Of Times He’s Said “Congratulations” To Michael Phelps Through Gritted Teeth: 34

Endorsement Deal With Snapple: No, he does not have an endorsement deal with Snapple

Childhood hero: Michael Phelps

NEXT: Sarah Attar

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