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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Jamie Moyer Change-Up Arrives At Home Plate After Long Journey

PHILADELPHIA—Following a 60-foot, six-inch voyage that began at the distant pitching rubber, a Jamie Moyer-thrown change-up arrived at home plate for a called third strike nearly 147 seconds after it was thrown. "There were a few minutes when I thought it would never get here," said Phillies catcher Chris Coste, who had to rise from his squatting position to stretch twice during the pitch's journey in order to keep the feeling in his legs. "First Ryan [Howard] almost cut it off to catch the runner going to second, then decided against it, then was about to grab it again before I shouted to him that it might count as a balk. Then the batter took a swing, backed up and took another swing before striking out when it hit the outside corner.After that, I had to wait in the catcher's box for what felt like forever when the runner decided to try to score all the way from first.And then you saw how [centerfielder] Shane [Victorino] almost ruined the whole thing when he ran past the pitch because he thought the inning was over. Thank goodness Jamie's change-up had that very, very late movement so that it eventually dipped around Shane and right into the sliding runner's path." Moyer later revealed that the pitch was a fastball.

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