adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Jamie Moyer Change-Up Arrives At Home Plate After Long Journey

PHILADELPHIA—Following a 60-foot, six-inch voyage that began at the distant pitching rubber, a Jamie Moyer-thrown change-up arrived at home plate for a called third strike nearly 147 seconds after it was thrown. "There were a few minutes when I thought it would never get here," said Phillies catcher Chris Coste, who had to rise from his squatting position to stretch twice during the pitch's journey in order to keep the feeling in his legs. "First Ryan [Howard] almost cut it off to catch the runner going to second, then decided against it, then was about to grab it again before I shouted to him that it might count as a balk. Then the batter took a swing, backed up and took another swing before striking out when it hit the outside corner.After that, I had to wait in the catcher's box for what felt like forever when the runner decided to try to score all the way from first.And then you saw how [centerfielder] Shane [Victorino] almost ruined the whole thing when he ran past the pitch because he thought the inning was over. Thank goodness Jamie's change-up had that very, very late movement so that it eventually dipped around Shane and right into the sliding runner's path." Moyer later revealed that the pitch was a fastball.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close