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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jan Ullrich Feels He Can No Longer Trust Anyone With His Bags Of Blood

BERLIN—Sources close to Tour de France-winning cyclist Jan Ullrich said Monday that the retired champion is beginning to feel that plastic bags of his blood may not be safe in the hands of anyone but himself after Spanish authorities found several of Ullrich's blood bags in the office of an infamous Spanish doping doctor. "Even long after I retire, sacks of my blood are still turning up in the strangest places," Ullrich, the only German to ever win the Tour, reportedly said to business associates. "You think your blood bags are safe with someone, and the next thing you know, aha! There it is in some Madrid refrigerator. Do I trust myself to people too easily, do you think?" Authorities in possession of the blood would not speculate on its origin, but photos posted on the Velo News website seem to show the inscription "To Lance And Sheryl, Best Wishes, Jan XOXO" on the seal of one bag.

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