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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Jan Ullrich Feels He Can No Longer Trust Anyone With His Bags Of Blood

BERLIN—Sources close to Tour de France-winning cyclist Jan Ullrich said Monday that the retired champion is beginning to feel that plastic bags of his blood may not be safe in the hands of anyone but himself after Spanish authorities found several of Ullrich's blood bags in the office of an infamous Spanish doping doctor. "Even long after I retire, sacks of my blood are still turning up in the strangest places," Ullrich, the only German to ever win the Tour, reportedly said to business associates. "You think your blood bags are safe with someone, and the next thing you know, aha! There it is in some Madrid refrigerator. Do I trust myself to people too easily, do you think?" Authorities in possession of the blood would not speculate on its origin, but photos posted on the Velo News website seem to show the inscription "To Lance And Sheryl, Best Wishes, Jan XOXO" on the seal of one bag.

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