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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Janoris Jenkins Claims He Got Laid During Interception Return

DETROIT—Bragging to teammates and coaches on the sidelines, Rams cornerback Janoris Jenkins reportedly boasted on several occasions Sunday that he got laid during a 34-yard interception return against the Detroit Lions. “Right when I picked off the ball in the end zone, I noticed her glancing at me, so I headed up the field, made a couple of moves, and we were fucking like crazy by the 15-yard line,” said Jenkins, who informed the referees the woman was “a total, cock-starved nympho.” “It was pretty hot and heavy. This chick wanted me to bone her in all these weird positions, which is probably why I didn’t get all the way to the end zone.” When pressed by doubtful teammates, Jenkins finally admitted that he had only received a quick halfhearted hand job right as he was tackled.

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