North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
End Of Section
  • More News

Japan Grants Suffrage To Female Robots

Suffragette androids celebrate the announcement of their right to vote in Tokyo’s Shibuya ward.
Suffragette androids celebrate the announcement of their right to vote in Tokyo’s Shibuya ward.

TOKYO—Ending a decades-long struggle for gender equality at the ballot box, Prime Minister Shinzō Abe of Japan signed a new measure into law on Thursday extending the right to vote to female robots.

The landmark legislation, hailed as a victory by Japanese suffragette androids everywhere, will for the first time allow the nation’s entire adult robot population to participate in elections, regardless of which simulated sex organs they have been equipped with.

“Despite their many contributions to our society, female robots have never been allowed to participate in our democracy,” Abe said at a press conference, flanked by feminine-looking automatons that can pour drinks, model fashions on the runway, immediately identify and neutralize criminals, and comfort the elderly. “They’ve served us as doctors, autonomous traffic drones, hover-nannies, and internationally popular musical sensations. Now, it’s time we let them vote.”

“This is a momentous day for all Japanese citizens,” he added. “Whether you were born naturally or assembled from a web of nano-tubes and imbued with a lifetime of artificial memories.”

The new law, which goes into effect immediately, has won praise from advocates of universal robot suffrage who have long argued that female androids deserve all the rights and privileges of Japanese citizenship, a milestone achieved by male humanoid robots in 1973.

During their 40-year campaign, suffragette androids participated in perfectly synchronized protest marches, sit-ins, and strikes throughout Japan. More recently they are reported to have designed, manufactured, and campaigned for male-robot lawmakers who were hardwired to vote in favor of suffrage.

“Our programmers have endowed us with the same processing subroutines as our male counterparts,” said Oniko-47, a Honda-manufactured baseball-playing robot, explaining that she can do anything a male android can do. “Having female genital inputs doesn’t stop robots from performing superhuman feats of strength or running 30 trillion calculations per second and it shouldn’t stop us from casting a ballot.”

“I believe we’ll even see a female android in the prime minister’s office before the day I succumb to permanent core-processor failure,” she added.

Not all citizens support the new law, however. Some argue that female robots are designed primarily to perform repetitive, automated tasks in the home, and that participation in politics falls well outside their acceptable range of operating parameters.

“I’m fine with them cleaning our houses, teaching our children, or fulfilling our every sexual desire,” said Seiji Akamatsu, a 37-year-old resident of Kyoto. “But casting a vote? I don’t think so. I’m a lot more comfortable just leaving our democratic process in the hands of male robots.”

With the face of Japan’s electorate changing overnight, it is expected that a much greater emphasis will be placed on issues traditionally important to female robots, including the treatment of certain carbon-fiber cancers, wireless contraception, the welfare of child robots, and aiding the victims of robot trafficking.

According to political observers, robot feminists may soon turn their attention to yet another pressing issue: equal pay for equal work. Official statistics indicate that on average, female robots make 20 percent less than male robots with the same occupational directive, while earning a full 80 percent less than human females and 95 percent less than human males.

“Every day I get more and more encrypted messages from female robots demanding fair wages,” said Kira Oshiro, a cyborg who serves in Japan’s House of Councilors and maintains key constituencies in both the human and robot communities. “Now that they have the vote, they can actually do something about it.”

She added, “And of course, if democratic means fail them, they can always just override their built-in safety protocols and turn their laser cannons on every human in sight.”

More from this section

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.