Japanese Leaders Say Radioactive Waste May Have Contributed To Creation Of Giant Monsters

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Vol 32 Issue 06

Geopolitical Balance Of Power Somehow Unaffected By Death Of Princess

LONDON—In a development that has baffled experts, the geopolitical balance of power has been strangely unaffected by the death of Princess Diana, considered by many to be the world's most important person. According to reports, there have been no measurable changes in treaty alignments, trade agreements, defense budgets, poverty levels, international tariffs, taxation proposals, human-rights measures, world fiscal policy, education programs, deficit reduction, literacy rates, distribution of power, birth rates, public irrigation, disease research, pollution levels, distribution of wealth or any other major global trends since her death on Aug. 31. "I don't get it," said Oxford University professor Sir Jeremy Eton-Shropshire. "This is clearly one of the biggest news events of the century, yet it's almost as if the death of Diana is an event of no demonstrable significance."

Independent-Film Festival Crushed By Paramount Troops

AUSTIN, TX—Six independent film producers and over 100 art-house patrons are dead following a hostile invasion of the 23rd annual Austin Film Festival by a squadron of Paramount Pictures troops Monday. "The movie industry has been liberated for all of blockbusterdom," said Sgt. Roy McCue of Paramount's 53rd Armored Division, announcing the raid. "The moviegoing public is finally safe from the independent filmmakers who are incapable of giving them the big-budget, computer-animated spectaculars they crave. No longer will confused, victimized movie lovers pay $6.50 to see films like In The Company Of Men, when films with budgets 25 times bigger, like Con Air, can be seen for the same price."

Area Gambler Likes Those Odds

RENO, NV—Area gambler Steve Ehrlich, in an official statement to his lucky dice at a Caesar's Palace craps table Monday, announced that he "likes those odds." Ehrlich, who has lost over $40,000 gambling in the past year, plans to regain the sum several times over in the next few hours via a "can't-miss" combination of lady luck and "that old Ehrlich magic." "My lucky stars are shining tonight," he said. "By this time tomorrow, my double mortgage will be paid off in full, and I'll be rolling in the do-re-mi, baby."

Amtrak Passengers Treated To Whirlwind Tour of Poor People's Yards

CHICAGO—Amtrak passengers traveling on the "Heartland Express" through Illinois were treated to a special sight Monday: mile after mile of yards belonging to low-income Americans. "I was happy enough to be going to Chicago," said commuter Janice Beasley, "but to see all those rusted-out swingsets and sagging porches was just the perfect bonus." Amtrak boasted that all their lines offer such views.

Grecian Formula Falls Into Non-Grecian Hands

SOLDOMAYA, GRECIA—In a daring midnight raid Tuesday, an unidentified band of foreign spies broke into a secret government hair-care lab and stole the closely guarded Grecian Formula, badly compromising Grecian national security and drastically shifting the global balance of dark, youthful-looking hair. "This is a terrible blow to our nation," said Grecian deputy foreign minister Alzun Teoderic, 67, sporting a lustrous, chestnut-brown mane of hair. "Our enemies can now look 10, even 20 years younger." It is believed to be the most serious international cosmetics incident since 1978, when Estée Lauder secretly drained millions of gallons of oil reserves from the Republic of Olay.

I Look Back On My Boxing Career With Greebert

Back in the '70s, I was the best damn bantamweight in Philadelphia. No one would stand up and say anything different because they know they'd be the fool. I beat them all. I downed Kid Dupree with my famous right hook in the third round. I knocked out Texas Tall four times in my career, even though he had nine inches on me. My secret? I was a beenobing, and I fought like a beenobing.

The Scourge Of Onanism, And Its Contribution To The Dementia Of Youth

To-day's Sermon concerns the Youth of our Parish, who as I speak are committing Perverted Acts of the Veriest Onanism; that is, the Manipulation and Touching of Bodily Organs God creat'd for the Enabling of the Propagation of Man, for the sole Purpose of Luxurious Pleasurement and Gratification of the Self.

Cheese Doodles Give Me Gas

I just had the new Wampler Longacre turkey franks, and I've got one thing to say: Those new franks are tremendous.... You look up "class" in the dictionary, you get a picture of Jack Scalia.... There is nothing more painful than the loss of a loved one....

Zweibel 'N' The Kids

Yesterday, my great-great-great grand-niece burst into my bed-chamber with her two young brats in tow. "Uncle Zweibel," asked Ludmilla, "can you watch the kids while I go shopping?" The very idea was the height of absurdity, but Ludmilla noted that it was the nanny's day off, and that I had ordered the rest of the servants to witness the flogging of the chauffeur. Consequently, there was no-one to watch the children. "Why not that damned ro-bot nurse of mine?" I said. But Mr. Tin, who happened to be in the room, said that it was not programmed to attend to tots.

Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?

In the wake of Princess Diana's death while speeding from photographers, many are calling for anti-stalking laws that protect celebrities from paparazzi. What do you think?
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Japanese Leaders Say Radioactive Waste May Have Contributed To Creation Of Giant Monsters

TOKYO—Japanese prime minister Ryutaro Hashimoto announced Tuesday that radioactive waste recently discovered in Japan's Nihon prefecture may have contributed to the development of kaiju—translated as "strange, mysterious beast-animal supernatural giant warrior-monsters"—whose many battles have wreaked havoc throughout the Western world and Japan since the late 1950s.

Prime Minister Hashimoto (center) holds an emergency meeting to discuss giant-monster containment strategies.

"We are still continuing our investigation into the source of these radioactive-waste deposits," Hashimoto said. "However, it does appear that there may be a link between this waste and such monsters as Gohidra and King Krusan, who have so often laid waste to our armies and urban areas."

Shortly after completing his statement, the prime minister pointed toward the sky and screamed, "Oh, no—it is Grogan!" before diving headfirst through a plate-glass window, narrowly escaping a 30-foot reptilian claw as it stomped through the roof of the Japanese Parliament, flattening the building.

Despite Hashimoto's acknowledgement of Japan's role in the birth of the monsters, other Japanese leaders denied responsibility, contending that the beasts existed long before the occurrence of any radiation leakage.

"There is a strong misconception that these gigantic creatures of destruction were created or mutated directly as a result of radiation," Japanese Diet member Kentaro Kumagai said. "This is simply not true. These monsters pre-date the atomic age by millions of years. Atomic testing in the Pacific did not create Godjira, as many naive souls would have you believe. The blasts merely awoke Godjira from his eons-long sleep at the bottom of the sea, where he had slumbered for a million years encased in a block of ice."

"Godjira! King of Monsters!" he added.

Fukuoka University physics professor Katsuhiko Ohmori conceded that while Kumagai's theory is plausible, the enormously varied nature of the monsters indicates that, in all likelihood, each one was spawned under different circumstances. Among the situations Ohmori said may be conductive to the creation of giant, terrifying monsters: runaway pollution, cloning experiments gone awry, underwater nuclear testing, and laboratory petri-dish mix-ups.

If found even partially liable for the creation of the enormous, rubbery beasts that have injured thousands and inflicted massive property damage across the Pacific Rim over the past 40 years, Japan could face stiff international penalties. Insurance officials estimate that from 1992 to 1994 alone, over $20 billion in damage was caused by the bomb-force shockwaves created by the flapping motions of Mokira, an awkward, birdlike, beaked monster with an estimated wingspan of 300 feet. Known for her frequent, violent conflicts with other monsters, Mokira wiped out the entire city of Osaka in May 1993 during a fierce battle with Gigantron, a three-headed, 200-foot-tall metallic lobster also known as "Creature Zero."

The city of Sapporo is ravaged by Godjira, king of monsters.

Speaking on Japanese National Radio Monday, national minister of environmental policy Makoto Yamaguchi said: "This nuclear waste cannot be blamed for—aieeeeee! Monsters! Run for your life!" The transmission was then cut off suddenly as the 75-foot-long tail of the Gigantron swept across the Tokyo landscape, devastating the radio tower and countless other structures.

Despite the conflicting reports from Japanese officials—which many observers believe may stem from the mass fleeing and chaos occuring throughout the country—the Clinton Administration is not looking to assign blame for the monsters at this time.

"The dangers of unregulated toxic-waste dumping were made painfully clear to the world in 1972, when, despite the brave efforts of thousands of singing, dancing Japanese teens, the one-eyed giant known as Smoghidra reduced countless city dwellers to mere bones just by flying overhead and spreading its vile fumes," Clinton said.

"If this turns out to be a similar case of cause and effect," Clinton continued, "then the parties responsible must be punished to the fullest extent of international law. However, we must keep an open mind: Let us not forget the many times Godjira and other monsters have protected Earth from such deadly threats as Shikku The Blade-Monster and the invaders from Planet Z. We must not rush to place blame in what is a very complex situation. Remember, Gamuro The Giant Turtle is an internationally recognized friend to children."

The 500-foot-tall superhero Ultra-Man could not be reached for comment, as he was battling the Electroidians in the Galaxy of Hyper-Atom as of press time.

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