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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Jared Kushner Quietly Transfers ‘Solve Middle East Crisis’ To Next Week’s To-Do List

WASHINGTON—Admitting there was simply too much on his plate right now to bring stability to the fractious region by end of day Friday, Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner quietly moved the task “solve Middle East crisis” to his to-do list for next week, sources reported Tuesday. “Ushering in lasting peace across the Mideast is definitely still a big priority for me, but given everything else I’ve got going on right now, I’m just going to need to bump it to next week when I have a little more time on my hands,” Kushner reportedly said as he crossed out the task on his pocket day planner and rewrote it on the following page, acknowledging that he was just “too swamped” at the moment with policy reports and real estate development meetings to resolve the numerous wars, land disputes, and centuries-old ethnic and religious tensions that have long raged among the 350 million residents of the geopolitical hotspot. “I was really hoping to at least knock out the Arab-Israeli conflict before the weekend, but this week’s kind of gotten out of hand. It’ll be fine, though—I’ll just carve out an hour or two next week, hunker down in my office, and sort it all out then. If I can push back a couple business calls, I can definitely get this whole Middle East situation ironed out by Wednesday—Thursday at the latest.” At press time, Kushner reportedly pushed “solve Middle East crisis” back an additional 30 minutes after deciding it would be better to get “fix America’s opioid epidemic” out of the way first.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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