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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Jason Campbell Cleared For Light Brain Activity

CLEVELAND—Following the quarterback’s recent concussion against the Steelers, Cleveland Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski told reporters Tuesday that Jason Campbell has been cleared by team doctors to resume light brain activity. “Jason passed all the necessary tests yesterday, so he’s now been given the green light to carry out some very basic cerebral functions,” said Chudzinski, adding that the 31-year-old play caller has already begun sending neural signals to his cardiovascular system to pump blood throughout his body, as well as using his brain stem to subconsciously control the rate of his breathing. “The doctors are quite happy with his ability to regulate his heartbeat, display elementary motor control of his body, and form thoughts, so we’re hoping to have him speaking and using intellectual reasoning by the end of the week. And Jason himself is very eager to get back on the field as soon as possible, at least from what we can gather based on his facial expressions.” At press time, team sources confirmed that Campbell was sitting motionless on the floor of the Browns’ practice facility and quietly drooling on himself.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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