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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Jason Campbell Cleared For Light Brain Activity

CLEVELAND—Following the quarterback’s recent concussion against the Steelers, Cleveland Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski told reporters Tuesday that Jason Campbell has been cleared by team doctors to resume light brain activity. “Jason passed all the necessary tests yesterday, so he’s now been given the green light to carry out some very basic cerebral functions,” said Chudzinski, adding that the 31-year-old play caller has already begun sending neural signals to his cardiovascular system to pump blood throughout his body, as well as using his brain stem to subconsciously control the rate of his breathing. “The doctors are quite happy with his ability to regulate his heartbeat, display elementary motor control of his body, and form thoughts, so we’re hoping to have him speaking and using intellectual reasoning by the end of the week. And Jason himself is very eager to get back on the field as soon as possible, at least from what we can gather based on his facial expressions.” At press time, team sources confirmed that Campbell was sitting motionless on the floor of the Browns’ practice facility and quietly drooling on himself.

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