adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Jason Collins Just Might Be Frontcourt Presence Team Trying To Boost Media Coverage Needs

WASHINGTON—NBA analyst Bruce Bowen reportedly suggested Friday that openly gay free agent center Jason Collins just might be the perfect frontcourt presence for a team needing to instantly boost media coverage. “Jason Collins is a savvy, veteran center who can immediately contribute to increasing a team’s public visibility,” said Bowen, adding that the 34-year-old homosexual basketball player really shines in the middle of press conferences. “Collins would be a great pickup for teams like the Milwaukee Bucks or Sacramento Kings that are lacking a big man who can dominate in the postgame interview.” Bowen acknowledged that signing Collins would be potentially risky, claiming that the move would significantly hurt any team’s depth at center.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close