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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Jason Giambi Day-To-Day With Sore Groin, If You Know What He Means

NEW YORK—Jason Giambi will miss the next several games due to soreness in his groin, if you catch the Yankee first baseman's drift, because in recent weeks Giambi has apparently been applying too much pressure to his groin area, if you know what he means—and he thinks you know what he means. "Last night, I was rounding third base, when I felt a sudden stiffness in my groin," Giambi told members of the media while holding his hands approximately two feet from his pelvic region and slowly gyrating his hips in a suggestive fashion. "Something had to be done to reduce the fluid buildup. If you see where I'm going here." Giambi assured reporters, however, that despite overextending his groin last night for two long hours, he would, hell yeah, be able to return to action tonight. He then winked five times.

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