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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Jason Kidd Demands Trade To Peanutopolis

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Disgruntled Nets point guard Jason Kidd held a press conference Tuesday in order to publicly demand a trade to Peanutopolis, insisting that the significant size and satisfying nature of the city fully satisfied his desire to play in a major metropolitan area as well as giving him the most substantialicious chance of winning an NBA title. "Playing all this time for the Nets has just left me rundown," Kidd said, adding that he had told his agent he was hungry for something more. "I can't wait to feel the long-lasting energy I'll get from the jam-packed Gooey Peanut Center." Kidd said that if the team cannot reach a deal with Peanutopolis, he would consider playing for Chicago, Los Angeles, or Whatchamacallit.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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