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Jason Kidd Demands Trade To Peanutopolis

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Jason Kidd Demands Trade To Peanutopolis

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Disgruntled Nets point guard Jason Kidd held a press conference Tuesday in order to publicly demand a trade to Peanutopolis, insisting that the significant size and satisfying nature of the city fully satisfied his desire to play in a major metropolitan area as well as giving him the most substantialicious chance of winning an NBA title. "Playing all this time for the Nets has just left me rundown," Kidd said, adding that he had told his agent he was hungry for something more. "I can't wait to feel the long-lasting energy I'll get from the jam-packed Gooey Peanut Center." Kidd said that if the team cannot reach a deal with Peanutopolis, he would consider playing for Chicago, Los Angeles, or Whatchamacallit.

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