DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Disgruntled Nets point guard Jason Kidd held a press conference Tuesday in order to publicly demand a trade to Peanutopolis, insisting that the significant size and satisfying nature of the city fully satisfied his desire to play in a major metropolitan area as well as giving him the most substantialicious chance of winning an NBA title. "Playing all this time for the Nets has just left me rundown," Kidd said, adding that he had told his agent he was hungry for something more. "I can't wait to feel the long-lasting energy I'll get from the jam-packed Gooey Peanut Center." Kidd said that if the team cannot reach a deal with Peanutopolis, he would consider playing for Chicago, Los Angeles, or Whatchamacallit.