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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Jason Kidd Describes Feeling 'Unsafe In Own Arena' After Getting Basketball Stolen

DALLAS—A distressed and visibly shaken Jason Kidd addressed the Mavericks Tuesday to admit that he no longer felt safe in his own home court after a mysterious figure approached him from behind during the Mavericks' most recent game and took possession of the basketball without his consent. "I don't know if I can go back out there again—it's just too risky," said Kidd, his hoarse voice barely rising above a whisper. "Whoever it was came out of nowhere, and I was unable to protect or secure the basketball before he stole it. I know in my heart that it isn't my fault, but I still feel so...angry and violated." Kidd claimed he has not been this humiliated since an incident in 2001 when police handcuffed him and threw him in the back of a squad car for punching his wife in the face.

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