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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Jason Kidd Describes Feeling 'Unsafe In Own Arena' After Getting Basketball Stolen

DALLAS—A distressed and visibly shaken Jason Kidd addressed the Mavericks Tuesday to admit that he no longer felt safe in his own home court after a mysterious figure approached him from behind during the Mavericks' most recent game and took possession of the basketball without his consent. "I don't know if I can go back out there again—it's just too risky," said Kidd, his hoarse voice barely rising above a whisper. "Whoever it was came out of nowhere, and I was unable to protect or secure the basketball before he stole it. I know in my heart that it isn't my fault, but I still feel so...angry and violated." Kidd claimed he has not been this humiliated since an incident in 2001 when police handcuffed him and threw him in the back of a squad car for punching his wife in the face.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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