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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Jason Kidd Describes Feeling 'Unsafe In Own Arena' After Getting Basketball Stolen

DALLAS—A distressed and visibly shaken Jason Kidd addressed the Mavericks Tuesday to admit that he no longer felt safe in his own home court after a mysterious figure approached him from behind during the Mavericks' most recent game and took possession of the basketball without his consent. "I don't know if I can go back out there again—it's just too risky," said Kidd, his hoarse voice barely rising above a whisper. "Whoever it was came out of nowhere, and I was unable to protect or secure the basketball before he stole it. I know in my heart that it isn't my fault, but I still feel so...angry and violated." Kidd claimed he has not been this humiliated since an incident in 2001 when police handcuffed him and threw him in the back of a squad car for punching his wife in the face.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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