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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Jason Kidd Given 1997 Chevy Lumina For Making 10,000th Assist

DALLAS—After dishing out his 10,000th career assist Sunday, Dallas Mavericks point guard Jason Kidd was given a used white 1997 Chevy Lumina fully equipped with a sunroof and an AM-FM radio-cassette player. "Jason, congratulations," teammate Dirk Nowitzki said while he and three other Maverick players pushed the car to center court. "Transmission needs a rebuild, paint job's okay from 10 feet, and she might have 167,000 miles on her, but that just means she's broken in. Jason, thanks for passing the ball a lot to people who can score." Former Utah Jazz guard John Stockton received a similar honor in 1995 when his team recognized his career achievements by awarding him a $50 gift certificate to Sam Goody and an arm's length of 50-50 raffle tickets.

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