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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Jay Cutler Hoping To Prove Doubters Whatever In Contract Year

BOURBONNAIS, IL—Shrugging his shoulders and scowling, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told reporters Tuesday that he’s looking forward to proving doubters “completely whatever” in the final year of his contract. “People want to question my future with this team, and that just motivates me to show them meh,” said Cutler, holding his mouth agape for several seconds before continuing. “I know there’s a lot of pressure on me to win, so at the end of the day I just have to go out there and who gives a shit.” Sources confirmed Cutler concluded the press conference by putting on a large winter jacket, silently pouting, and refusing to answer any questions from reporters.

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