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A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Jay Cutler Hoping To Prove Doubters Whatever In Contract Year

BOURBONNAIS, IL—Shrugging his shoulders and scowling, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told reporters Tuesday that he’s looking forward to proving doubters “completely whatever” in the final year of his contract. “People want to question my future with this team, and that just motivates me to show them meh,” said Cutler, holding his mouth agape for several seconds before continuing. “I know there’s a lot of pressure on me to win, so at the end of the day I just have to go out there and who gives a shit.” Sources confirmed Cutler concluded the press conference by putting on a large winter jacket, silently pouting, and refusing to answer any questions from reporters.

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