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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Jay Cutler: ‘I’ll Be The First Person To Admit We Need A New Punter’

CHICAGO—Following the team’s blowout 55-14 loss to the Green Bay Packers Sunday night, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told reporters Tuesday that he would be the first person to admit the team is in dire need of a new punter. “It’s certainly not an easy thing to say, but at the end of the day, someone has to step up and accept that mistakes were made by our punter, Pat O’Donnell,” said Cutler, who pointed to O’Donnell’s blocked punt in the third quarter as playing a major role in the team’s unraveling and conceded that blame for the team’s loss rested squarely on the rookie punter. “Going forward, there will have to be some serious adjustments made to our punt unit—when individual players aren’t doing their part out there, we’re going to fall short as a team. Pat didn’t play well, and he needs to accept responsibility for that.” Cutler went on to acknowledge that Bears long snapper Jeremy Cain will also need to step up his performance significantly before next week’s game against the Vikings if the team is to have any chance of turning its season around.

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