adBlockCheck

Sports

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
End Of Section
  • More News

Jay Cutler Proudly Watches Son Throw First Tantrum

CHICAGO—Telling reporters that it marked a joyous occasion for him as a father, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler proudly watched his 1-year-old son throw his first-ever temper tantrum Monday. “Hey, looks like my boy had himself quite the hissy fit, just like his old man,” said Cutler after his son Camden reportedly exploded into a tearful rage in response to dropping a juice box handed to him by a staffer at his daycare, screaming and pounding his fists on the ground for several minutes. “My little guy’s barely even a year old, and he’s already throwing tantrums like his dad does on TV. He even stormed out of the room and sulked afterward. Yep, he’s a regular chip off the old block.” Cutler noted that he further swelled up with pride upon watching his son blame his mistake on the other kids.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close