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Jay Leno Reconsiders Retirement After Georgia Woman Sets Boyfriend's Crotch On Fire

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Jay Leno Reconsiders Retirement After Georgia Woman Sets Boyfriend's Crotch On Fire

BURBANK, CA—Despite having announced plans to retire as host of The Tonight Show in 2008, Jay Leno admitted yesterday that he was "having serious doubts" about leaving the TV show after coming across a recent news item in which a Georgia woman doused her philandering husband's groin in kerosene and set it aflame. The veteran comedian said the incident would provide a wealth of material for "many, many years to come." "Boy, talk about keeping your marriage exciting," said Leno, who claimed he had already assigned 19 of his top writers to the story. "It's John Wayne Bobbitt all over again—crotch violence set in the South. If I leave it for Conan [O'Brien], he'll just do two or three really good jokes and then drop it. What a waste." The victim, 32-year-old Kenny Garver of Athens, GA, was unavailable for comment due to the blistering third-degree burns covering 70 percent of his body.

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