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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Jay-Z CEO Resigns After Stock Price Plunges

NEW YORK—Following a dismal second quarter in which the company’s stock price plummeted more than 30 percent, CEO Walter Kempman stunned shareholders Tuesday by announcing that he will resign his leadership of the New York–based entertainment conglomerate Jay-Z. “We are grateful for all Walter has done for Jay-Z, but ultimately the board of directors recommended that he step down,” said chairman David Casey, who admitted that the brand had struggled somewhat since Jay-Z went public in 2003 to an impressive IPO of $17.6 billion. “When my grandfather, a simple car mechanic from Akron, Ohio, founded Jay-Z in 1949, he did so in hopes of providing the very best in service to our customers. We are confident that with the right adjustments, we can return to that vision as we lead Jay-Z into the future.” Top Jay-Z executives will reportedly now turn their attention to finding a replacement CEO, with COO Michael Quinlan, vice president James Clark, and CFO Shawn Carter taking over Kempman’s responsibilities during the interim.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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