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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Jay Z Honored To Be Nominated In Same Category As Jay Z

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he was thrilled to be considered alongside such a talented and respected musician, hip-hop artist and 2014 Best Rap Album Grammy nominee Jay Z told reporters today that he feels “deeply honored” to be nominated in the same category as Jay Z. “When I saw the list of Grammy nominees and realized that I was up for the same award as musical pioneer and industry legend Jay Z, I was completely blown away,” said Jay-Z, who noted that he’s “a huge fan” of all of Jay Z’s songs and that he considers Jay-Z to be the one of greatest artists of his generation and a personal inspiration. “It feels great just to have my album Magna Carta…Holy Grail nominated this year, but for it to even be mentioned in the same breath with a flawless album like Jay Z’s Magna Carta…Holy Grail is a humbling experience and one that I truly cherish.” Jay Z then told reporters that, regardless of who wins tonight’s award, he knows that Jay Z is the artist who truly deserves it.

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