adBlockCheck

Business

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content
End Of Section
  • More News

JCPenney CEO's Severance Package Includes 34,000 Pea Coats

PLANO, TX—Following this morning’s announcement that JCPenney is ousting CEO Ron Johnson after just 17 months, members of the department store chain’s board assured the public the executive will receive an ample severance package that will include 34,000 pea coats. “We want the public to know that Mr. Johnson will be taken care of with 34,000 Claiborne wool double-breasted pea coats, along with 1.5 million pairs of Gold Toe socks,” said board chairman Thomas Engibous, adding that Johnson’s package also comes with the standard employee severance of 72,000 boxes of Scattergories and a single Cuisinart skillet. “Additionally, we will be thanking Mr. Johnson for his service with a very generous 60,000 patio sets and a payout of 18,000 corduroy pants every month for the next 15 years.” Engibous added that due to a clause in Johnson’s contract, the company was forced to give him an additional JCPenney gift card for $17 million.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close