adBlockCheck

Business

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.
End Of Section
  • More News

JCPenney CEO's Severance Package Includes 34,000 Pea Coats

PLANO, TX—Following this morning’s announcement that JCPenney is ousting CEO Ron Johnson after just 17 months, members of the department store chain’s board assured the public the executive will receive an ample severance package that will include 34,000 pea coats. “We want the public to know that Mr. Johnson will be taken care of with 34,000 Claiborne wool double-breasted pea coats, along with 1.5 million pairs of Gold Toe socks,” said board chairman Thomas Engibous, adding that Johnson’s package also comes with the standard employee severance of 72,000 boxes of Scattergories and a single Cuisinart skillet. “Additionally, we will be thanking Mr. Johnson for his service with a very generous 60,000 patio sets and a payout of 18,000 corduroy pants every month for the next 15 years.” Engibous added that due to a clause in Johnson’s contract, the company was forced to give him an additional JCPenney gift card for $17 million.

More from this section

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close