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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Jealous Paul Ryan Asks Legislator With 37% Approval Rating What His Secret Is

WASHINGTON—Finding himself unable to contain his jealousy toward his fellow lawmaker’s latest poll numbers, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly pulled aside Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) Friday to ask him what the secret is behind his 37 percent approval rating. “Hey, Joe, you’ve got to let me in on your secret—how do you manage to pull in such incredible favorability numbers? Seriously, it’s insane,” asked Ryan, cornering his fellow legislator in a Capitol building hallway and offering him increased federal funds for his district in exchange for some insight into the congressman’s enviable popularity among more than a third of voters. “I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you, having nearly two in five people approve of your performance. God, that has to feel incredible. If you could just give me a couple of tips on how to make a positive or neutral impression on that many people, I’m sure I can take it from there. Please, Joe, help me out.” At press time, a dejected Ryan was reportedly calling his closest corporate donors for some positive reinforcement regarding the job he was doing.

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Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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