Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
End Of Section
  • More News

Jealous Paul Ryan Asks Legislator With 37% Approval Rating What His Secret Is

WASHINGTON—Finding himself unable to contain his jealousy toward his fellow lawmaker’s latest poll numbers, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly pulled aside Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) Friday to ask him what the secret is behind his 37 percent approval rating. “Hey, Joe, you’ve got to let me in on your secret—how do you manage to pull in such incredible favorability numbers? Seriously, it’s insane,” asked Ryan, cornering his fellow legislator in a Capitol building hallway and offering him increased federal funds for his district in exchange for some insight into the congressman’s enviable popularity among more than a third of voters. “I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you, having nearly two in five people approve of your performance. God, that has to feel incredible. If you could just give me a couple of tips on how to make a positive or neutral impression on that many people, I’m sure I can take it from there. Please, Joe, help me out.” At press time, a dejected Ryan was reportedly calling his closest corporate donors for some positive reinforcement regarding the job he was doing.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.