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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Jeb Bush Assures Pipe-Wielding Thugs He’ll Have The Delegates He Promised Them By Next Week

CHARLESTON, SC—Pleading for more time as the group of men advanced on him in a Charleston alleyway, GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush assured a gang of pipe-wielding thugs Thursday that he would have the delegates he had promised them by next week, sources reported. “Whoa, whoa, easy, fellas. I know I’m late on this, but I’ll have everything you need after next weekend, I swear,” said the former Florida governor, begging the dark-clad men not to break his kneecaps for failing to place in the top five in a recent Rasmussen Reports nationwide poll of Republican voters. “I’ve only got the three delegates right now, but you know I’m good for the rest of it. My luck’s starting to turn around, I can feel it. I came real close to third place in New Hampshire, so things are starting to break my way. Please, just give me until the 20th and I swear I’ll make this right.” At press time, Bush was reportedly trying to conceal his freshly bandaged thumbs while greeting supporters at a rally in Columbia.

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