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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Jeb Bush Bungles Several Questions On First Day Back At Home

CORAL GABLES, FL—Noting how he repeatedly stumbled over his words and struggled to formulate convincing and consistent responses when asked by his wife about how he slept and what he wanted to have for breakfast, sources confirmed Monday that former presidential candidate Jeb Bush bungled numerous questions on his first day back at home. “You see—the thing is, breakfast—there are a number of options,” said Bush, anxiously reaching for a sip of water after delivering a meandering aside about why pancakes would be a reasonable choice, before awkwardly transitioning to a clumsy, forced anecdote about some bacon he recently had. “It’s an important question—you know what? Eggs. That’ll be—yes. Mmhmm.” Sources further reported Bush appeared helpless and forlorn after his request was drowned out by the louder, more confident answers from his children seated around the dining room table.

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