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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Jeb Bush Bungles Several Questions On First Day Back At Home

CORAL GABLES, FL—Noting how he repeatedly stumbled over his words and struggled to formulate convincing and consistent responses when asked by his wife about how he slept and what he wanted to have for breakfast, sources confirmed Monday that former presidential candidate Jeb Bush bungled numerous questions on his first day back at home. “You see—the thing is, breakfast—there are a number of options,” said Bush, anxiously reaching for a sip of water after delivering a meandering aside about why pancakes would be a reasonable choice, before awkwardly transitioning to a clumsy, forced anecdote about some bacon he recently had. “It’s an important question—you know what? Eggs. That’ll be—yes. Mmhmm.” Sources further reported Bush appeared helpless and forlorn after his request was drowned out by the louder, more confident answers from his children seated around the dining room table.

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