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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Jeb Bush Campaign Kicks Off 3-State Farewell Tour With Iowa Town Hall Meeting

MASON CITY, IA—Having carefully rehearsed their soundbites and readied their bus for one final month on the road, Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign reportedly kicked off a three-state farewell tour with a town hall meeting Monday before a gathered crowd of dozens. “We wanted to show moderate Republicans how much we’ve appreciated all the support we’ve had throughout this election season, so we put together a busy schedule of stump speeches and meet-and-greets to bid our goodbyes,” said Bush campaign manager Danny Diaz, who noted that the candidate would treat audiences to his most popular talking points and attacks on his rivals during the four-week sendoff that will take him to select cities in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina. “We just really want to enjoy these final few days together as a campaign and take the opportunity to personally thank the many donors and political strategists who’ve made this whole thing possible. Then, I guess, we’ll all share one final pat on the back, give our endorsement to Marco Rubio, and head our separate ways.” Diaz noted, however, that given Bush’s compromised condition, there was a chance they might have to end the tour early and cancel their final few dates in South Carolina.

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