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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Jeb Bush Warns RNC Attendees Of Bad Cialis Going Around Parking Lot

TAMPA, FL—According to sources on the floor of the Republican National Convention, former Florida governor Jeb Bush made his way through the crowd Wednesday afternoon to spread the word about a bad batch of Cialis that some guys were trying to sell out in the parking lot. “Don’t waste your money on any of that stuff they’re hawking out there,” said Bush, who reportedly took John Boehner, Eric Cantor, and Newt Gingrich aside to emphasize that the pills were “really weak shit.” “You get your hopes up. You think, ‘Wow, $35 Cialis?’ But it’s bunk. If you want the good stuff, you gotta pay for it.” At press time, Bush was again making the rounds to inform everyone the Levitra he had acquired from a guy backstage had turned out to be “absolutely primo.”

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