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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Jeb Bush Warns RNC Attendees Of Bad Cialis Going Around Parking Lot

TAMPA, FL—According to sources on the floor of the Republican National Convention, former Florida governor Jeb Bush made his way through the crowd Wednesday afternoon to spread the word about a bad batch of Cialis that some guys were trying to sell out in the parking lot. “Don’t waste your money on any of that stuff they’re hawking out there,” said Bush, who reportedly took John Boehner, Eric Cantor, and Newt Gingrich aside to emphasize that the pills were “really weak shit.” “You get your hopes up. You think, ‘Wow, $35 Cialis?’ But it’s bunk. If you want the good stuff, you gotta pay for it.” At press time, Bush was again making the rounds to inform everyone the Levitra he had acquired from a guy backstage had turned out to be “absolutely primo.”

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