Jeff Gordon Never Gets Tired Of Seeing Face On Cheap Plastic Crap

In This Section

Vol 40 Issue 25

7-Year-Old Asshole Demands You King Him

COS COB, CT—On the 23rd turn of the game Monday, 7-year-old asshole Andy Scot advanced a checker to the opposite end of the board and plunked it down on a black square. "King me," the smug little bastard said, folding his pudgy arms across his sweater-vested chest. "Do it." The checkers game, which continued apace after you placed a checker on top of his, was at least a reprieve from hearing the little shit say "sorry" during the game of the same name.

Dysfunctional Family Statistically Average

MORSE BLUFF, NE—Although neighbors report that the Kenner family is "immensely troubled," recently published statistics suggest they are more or less average, sources reported Monday. "Sure, the kids are upset that Doug and Tammy are splitting up because of Doug's extramarital affairs, but that's hardly unusual," said analyst Doreen Fellows, who cited 2000 U.S. Census figures indicating that more than 60 percent of all American children are from divorced families. "Maybe the family would have fared better if not for Doreen's drinking, but the situation is far from unusual. According to the American Medical Association, 72 percent of American homes harbor someone with an addiction." Unbeknownst to the Kenners, one out of four family members will contract chlamydia in his or her lifetime.

Power-Crazed Orkin Man Burns House To Ground

ESTES PARK, CO—Neighbors and loved ones joined the former residents of 22 Everglade Pass Monday to marvel at the still-smoldering remains of the house razed by Orkin exterminator Zach Knight. "I called Orkin and told them we had ants," former homeowner Bill Danby said. "Twenty minutes later, a guy in a red polo shirt and a mask knocked on the door, told us to get out of the house, and said we should take our most precious belongings. Minutes later, we smelled smoke." That night, Danby received a phone call from an anonymous party, who warned him that "the Orkin man will be back" to perform a follow-up inspection of the property Thursday.

Horoscope for the week of June 23, 2004

You were all set to have a whirlwind week of romance and a landslide financial success, but a supernova in Cancer has changed your fortune to regular whirlwinds and landslides.

Julia Roberts Is A Pretty Pregnant Woman!

Item! Julia Roberts is going to have a baby! Actually, she's having two babies—twins! It's the beginning of a new dynasty, like the Barrymores or the Bridgeses or the Baldwins. Right when the Olson Sisters got too old to be cute, America's Sweetheart is turning out a whole new set for us to fall in love with. Congrats to Julia and her husband, Lyle Lovitz! (Hope the kids get their looks from Julia!)

Iraq's New Flag

Iraq is poised to assume self-rule, but many citizens are unhappy with the national flag unveiled in April. What are some of the flag's design elements?

Private Space Travel

Monday's SpaceShipOne flight could usher in an age of privately financed space travel. What do you think?

Coalition: Vast Majority Of Iraqis Still Alive

BAGHDAD—As the Coalition Provisional Authority prepares to hand power over to an Iraqi-led interim government on June 30, CPA administrator L. Paul Bremer publicly touted the success of Operation Iraqi Freedom.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.


Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Jeff Gordon Never Gets Tired Of Seeing Face On Cheap Plastic Crap

CHARLOTTE, NC—NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon never tires of seeing his image on cheap, collectible junk, the four-time Winston Cup champion revealed Monday during a visit to the Hendrick Motorsports racing complex gift shop.

Gordon, whose face is on mounds of rinky-dink crap in stores nationwide.

"Well, look at that!" Gordon said, grinning as he examined an illuminated license-plate frame bearing his likeness, signature, and yellow number 24. "That there's a real nice piece of tackle. I'll bet you could put one of my collectible laser-cut license plates in there and display it in your house. That'd look good next to your Jeff Gordon Collectible Shot Glass or your set of diecast #24 cars. Get a second one for your car, to match your Jeff Gordon Floormats and Jeff Gordon DuPont Racing Keychain, and you'll be good to go."

"Hey!" Gordon added, repeatedly pressing a button bearing a "Try Me" sticker. "I light up. Ain't that something else?"

Gordon, who became the youngest Daytona 500 winner in 1997, has enjoyed a 10-year career at the highest level of American auto racing. The 32-year-old's multiple championships and 66 race victories have garnered him more than $60 million in winnings, and he earns millions of dollars in additional income each year through the sale of gewgaws like belt buckles, rings, knives, lunchboxes, dog collars, watches, bedding sets, and cigarette lighters with his face on them.

"The other day, I was at a Kmart and came across the Jeff Gordon Stained Glass Bar Lamp," Gordon said. "It was a lamp with me on it. Can you believe it? That gave me such a kick."

The Jeff Gordon Can Cozie, the Jeff Gordon #24 TrackSider Flip-Flops, and the Jeff Gordon Home Collection Wallpaper Border are just a few of the items that fans, and Gordon himself, can't get enough of.

"The other day, I even saw me-pajamas," Gordon said.

Gordon's manager, Forrest Logan, commented on the racecar driver's enthusiasm.

"There ain't too many things Jeff enjoys as much as racing," Logan said. "There's winning, of course. There are his fans—they're the best in the world. And then there's strolling through the aisles at Wal-Mart and seeing his face on everything from here to Sunday, like the Jeff Gordon 8-piece BBQ Set, the Jeff Gordon Edition Tire Valve Caps, and, for the ladies, the Jeff Gordon DuPont Racing #24 Clutch."

"That's a little purse with Jeff on the side," Logan added.

Gordon's many commercial endorsements—with corporations ranging from Coke to Kellogg's—further increase the amount of tacky garbage bearing his face.

Some of the Gordon shit one can buy at the online NASCAR Superstore.

"Yup, seems as though I can't buy a hoagie without some kid handing me a cup that's got me and my car on it," Gordon said. "I don't mind one bit, though. I love to sit back and sip on a Coke and look at that car. It's a great car, ain't it?"

Gordon crew chief Robbie Loomis, who gets his Jeff Gordon useless garbage free, said he has grown accustomed to seeing pictures of Gordon on most of his possessions.

"I appreciate all of the duffel bags and whatnot," Loomis said. "And check out the big ol' mustache Jeff's got on my souvenir mug. I always liked that mustache on him. You know, I think he'd sell a lot more Jeff Gordon 18-Can Cooler Bags if he was sporting a mustache on them, too. I tell you."

Exiting the store and heading back to the pit, Gordon seemed determined not to let his success, his fame, or the fact that millions of tacky so-called collectibles bear his image go to his head.

"Fans of stockcar racing are a real down-home group," Gordon said, adjusting his Official Father's Day Edition Jeff Gordon/Hendrick Motorsports Pit Crew Hat. "They wouldn't forgive me if I got a big head. Once in a while, I can authorize a Jeff Gordon Ranger 519DX Bass Boat, or put together a Jeff Gordon-Escort Travel Luxury Tour Of The Holy Land. But they'll think I'm getting too big for my britches if I don't mainly stick to affordable stuff like the Jeff Gordon Teddy Bear In Racing Suit and the Jeff Gordon Candle Set."

"People never seem to get tired of seeing my name and number on stuff," Gordon said, absent-mindedly cleaning his Jeff Gordon Foster Grant Sunglasses on the sleeve of his Jeff Gordon Cotton-Twill Team Jacket. "And you know what? Neither do I."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More