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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jeff Kent To Wear No. 42 To Honor Mariano Rivera

LOS ANGELES—Though all the players on the Los Angeles Dodger roster will be wearing No. 42 on April 15 to commemorate the anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking Major League Baseball's color barrier, Dodger second-baseman Jeff Kent told reporters yesterday that he will wear the much-celebrated number to honor Yankee great and future Hall of Famer Mariano Rivera. "Mariano is easily my favorite pitcher, and I think it's wonderful that I finally have the opportunity to show how much he has meant to both me and to the game of baseball," said Kent, adding that Rivera is "the greatest player to ever don the No. 42 jersey." "Most important, he made it possible for Panamanians everywhere not to be afraid to chase their dreams." Kent added that he hoped Major League Baseball would eventually "get their act together" and retire No. 42 for good, which he feels would be the ultimate tribute to Rivera.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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