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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Jeff Suppan Approaches Omaha Residents With Offer To Do Small Pitching Jobs Around House

OMAHA, NE—Local Omaha residents told reporters Monday that for the past week veteran pitcher Jeff Suppan has been going door-to-door, offering to do small pitching jobs around their houses in order to make some extra money. "He told me that if I needed somebody to throw a two-seamer on the outside corner of my garage, or do something off-speed with the gutters, he’d be glad to help," said local resident Mark Cuneo, adding that Suppan told him for an extra $10 he could break out his old cutter to help with any plumbing problems. "I have to say, he looked terrible, so I ended up hiring him for the day because I felt bad. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to clean up the attic, because all he did was take things out of boxes and throw them across the room." A disappointed Suppan was last spotted leaving a residence after being refused payment, the occupant citing the fact that he needed the former NLCS MVP to throw down protective mulch at 89 mph, and that Suppan could only get it up to 85.

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