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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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Jeff Suppan Approaches Omaha Residents With Offer To Do Small Pitching Jobs Around House

OMAHA, NE—Local Omaha residents told reporters Monday that for the past week veteran pitcher Jeff Suppan has been going door-to-door, offering to do small pitching jobs around their houses in order to make some extra money. "He told me that if I needed somebody to throw a two-seamer on the outside corner of my garage, or do something off-speed with the gutters, he’d be glad to help," said local resident Mark Cuneo, adding that Suppan told him for an extra $10 he could break out his old cutter to help with any plumbing problems. "I have to say, he looked terrible, so I ended up hiring him for the day because I felt bad. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to clean up the attic, because all he did was take things out of boxes and throw them across the room." A disappointed Suppan was last spotted leaving a residence after being refused payment, the occupant citing the fact that he needed the former NLCS MVP to throw down protective mulch at 89 mph, and that Suppan could only get it up to 85.

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