Jeff Suppan Approaches Omaha Residents With Offer To Do Small Pitching Jobs Around House

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Vol 47 Issue 14

Detroit Pistons JumboTron Not Even Trying Anymore

AUBURN HILLS, MI—Making flippant remarks about the game such as "BASKETBALL GAME HAPPENING NOW" and "WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THIS?" the Detroit Pistons' JumboTron has reportedly stopped trying to pretend to care abou...

Oh, God, Area Man Making His Move

BRIGHTON, NY—Patrons of the Full Moon Tavern are reporting that oh, God, area man Darrell Barnes is walking right up to that beautiful woman sitting by the window.

Zip-Lining Day Trip To Somehow Save Marriage

CONCORD, NH—According to sources, the deteriorating 10-year-old marriage of Dale and Gina Byer will somehow be magically restored this weekend by a zip-lining excursion to the mountains of northern New Hampshire.

Guy In Audience Shouts Out Perfect Thing

COLUMBUS, OH—Audience members at Crossroads Cinema were treated to an unexpected delight Friday when someone in the crowd shouted out a hilarious thing at the exact right moment, sources reported.

Beck: Trump Making Me 'Uncomfortable'

Talk show host Glenn Beck said that he’s "a little uncomfortable" with some of Donald Trump's claims about Obama's birth certificate and that the nation doesn't need a "show boat." What do you think?
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Jeff Suppan Approaches Omaha Residents With Offer To Do Small Pitching Jobs Around House

OMAHA, NE—Local Omaha residents told reporters Monday that for the past week veteran pitcher Jeff Suppan has been going door-to-door, offering to do small pitching jobs around their houses in order to make some extra money. "He told me that if I needed somebody to throw a two-seamer on the outside corner of my garage, or do something off-speed with the gutters, he’d be glad to help," said local resident Mark Cuneo, adding that Suppan told him for an extra $10 he could break out his old cutter to help with any plumbing problems. "I have to say, he looked terrible, so I ended up hiring him for the day because I felt bad. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to clean up the attic, because all he did was take things out of boxes and throw them across the room." A disappointed Suppan was last spotted leaving a residence after being refused payment, the occupant citing the fact that he needed the former NLCS MVP to throw down protective mulch at 89 mph, and that Suppan could only get it up to 85.

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