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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Jefferson Starship Memorial Reopens On National Mall

WASHINGTON—The National Park Service officially reopened the Jefferson Starship Memorial to the public Thursday, following nearly four months of routine repairs to the neoclassical marble structure honoring the historic American rock group. “This is my favorite memorial—it’s a beautiful, special place for citizens to come and reflect on the legacy of Jefferson Starship and all the contributions this one remarkable band made to our nation, from Red Octopus to Nuclear Furniture,” said visibly moved visitor Carrie Asher, 53, while admiring the 19-foot bronze statue of the legendary founding members of the band captured in the midst of a searing, prog-tinged jam. “Whenever I need reassurance or inspiration, all I have to do is look up at the immortal words etched into these walls, which Jefferson Starship penned so many years ago. The bronze plaque inscribed with the historic chorus of ‘Miracles’ is just so stirring. It always brings a tear to my eye.” The National Park Service noted that the Jefferson Starship Memorial is one of its most popular monuments, drawing upwards of 2.5 million visitors per year, a total exceeded only by the 6 million tourists who annually visit the National Gallery of Art Garfunkel.

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