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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Jefferson Starship Memorial Reopens On National Mall

WASHINGTON—The National Park Service officially reopened the Jefferson Starship Memorial to the public Thursday, following nearly four months of routine repairs to the neoclassical marble structure honoring the historic American rock group. “This is my favorite memorial—it’s a beautiful, special place for citizens to come and reflect on the legacy of Jefferson Starship and all the contributions this one remarkable band made to our nation, from Red Octopus to Nuclear Furniture,” said visibly moved visitor Carrie Asher, 53, while admiring the 19-foot bronze statue of the legendary founding members of the band captured in the midst of a searing, prog-tinged jam. “Whenever I need reassurance or inspiration, all I have to do is look up at the immortal words etched into these walls, which Jefferson Starship penned so many years ago. The bronze plaque inscribed with the historic chorus of ‘Miracles’ is just so stirring. It always brings a tear to my eye.” The National Park Service noted that the Jefferson Starship Memorial is one of its most popular monuments, drawing upwards of 2.5 million visitors per year, a total exceeded only by the 6 million tourists who annually visit the National Gallery of Art Garfunkel.

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