Jefferson Starship Memorial Reopens On National Mall

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

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WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

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CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Jefferson Starship Memorial Reopens On National Mall

WASHINGTON—The National Park Service officially reopened the Jefferson Starship Memorial to the public Thursday, following nearly four months of routine repairs to the neoclassical marble structure honoring the historic American rock group. “This is my favorite memorial—it’s a beautiful, special place for citizens to come and reflect on the legacy of Jefferson Starship and all the contributions this one remarkable band made to our nation, from Red Octopus to Nuclear Furniture,” said visibly moved visitor Carrie Asher, 53, while admiring the 19-foot bronze statue of the legendary founding members of the band captured in the midst of a searing, prog-tinged jam. “Whenever I need reassurance or inspiration, all I have to do is look up at the immortal words etched into these walls, which Jefferson Starship penned so many years ago. The bronze plaque inscribed with the historic chorus of ‘Miracles’ is just so stirring. It always brings a tear to my eye.” The National Park Service noted that the Jefferson Starship Memorial is one of its most popular monuments, drawing upwards of 2.5 million visitors per year, a total exceeded only by the 6 million tourists who annually visit the National Gallery of Art Garfunkel.