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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Jellyfish Falls Short Of Dream To Kill Diana Nyad

GULF OF MEXICO—Just one day after Diana Nyad completed her record-breaking swim from Cuba to Florida, a local box jellyfish expressed its deep disappointment Tuesday morning at narrowly failing to achieve its lifelong dream of killing the 64-year-old swimmer. “From the time I was just a young ephyra, I’ve dreamt of the day I would sting Diana Nyad so many times that she’d die,” said the highly venomous Tripedalia cystophora, who reportedly faced numerous adverse conditions throughout the 103-mile swim including choppy currents, varying water temperatures, and Nyad’s special facial gear and skin cream that protected her from jellyfish stings. “To have a dream like this, and to train for years only to come up short, is a pretty heartbreaking thing for me. And this was my chance, ya know? I’m certainly not getting any younger, and I doubt I’ll ever get that close to her again.” At press time, the box jellyfish told reporters it hopes to recover from the personal defeat by killing the 8-year-old girl currently drifting toward it in Key West.

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