Jellyfish Falls Short Of Dream To Kill Diana Nyad

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Vol 49 Issue 36

Onion Sports’ NFL Week One Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL Week One games: Ravens at Broncos OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Broncos — The Broncos will win this game in a 49-27 rout o...

Nicole Walden

A memorial service will be held Friday for Nicole Walden, the world’s first “Nikki,” who passed away peacefully yesterday at 92.
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Jellyfish Falls Short Of Dream To Kill Diana Nyad

GULF OF MEXICO—Just one day after Diana Nyad completed her record-breaking swim from Cuba to Florida, a local box jellyfish expressed its deep disappointment Tuesday morning at narrowly failing to achieve its lifelong dream of killing the 64-year-old swimmer. “From the time I was just a young ephyra, I’ve dreamt of the day I would sting Diana Nyad so many times that she’d die,” said the highly venomous Tripedalia cystophora, who reportedly faced numerous adverse conditions throughout the 103-mile swim including choppy currents, varying water temperatures, and Nyad’s special facial gear and skin cream that protected her from jellyfish stings. “To have a dream like this, and to train for years only to come up short, is a pretty heartbreaking thing for me. And this was my chance, ya know? I’m certainly not getting any younger, and I doubt I’ll ever get that close to her again.” At press time, the box jellyfish told reporters it hopes to recover from the personal defeat by killing the 8-year-old girl currently drifting toward it in Key West.

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