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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Jellyfish Falls Short Of Dream To Kill Diana Nyad

GULF OF MEXICO—Just one day after Diana Nyad completed her record-breaking swim from Cuba to Florida, a local box jellyfish expressed its deep disappointment Tuesday morning at narrowly failing to achieve its lifelong dream of killing the 64-year-old swimmer. “From the time I was just a young ephyra, I’ve dreamt of the day I would sting Diana Nyad so many times that she’d die,” said the highly venomous Tripedalia cystophora, who reportedly faced numerous adverse conditions throughout the 103-mile swim including choppy currents, varying water temperatures, and Nyad’s special facial gear and skin cream that protected her from jellyfish stings. “To have a dream like this, and to train for years only to come up short, is a pretty heartbreaking thing for me. And this was my chance, ya know? I’m certainly not getting any younger, and I doubt I’ll ever get that close to her again.” At press time, the box jellyfish told reporters it hopes to recover from the personal defeat by killing the 8-year-old girl currently drifting toward it in Key West.

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Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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