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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Jenn Sterger Still Receiving Lewd Brett Favre Texts

LOS ANGELES—Nearly three years after being embroiled in a sexual harassment scandal involving allegations that Brett Favre sent her a series of suggestive text messages, model and media personality Jenn Sterger revealed to reporters Friday that she continues to receive vulgar texts from the retired quarterback on a regular basis. “I would say that I get at least five or six texts from him every single day, and sometimes as many as 20 or 30,” said Sterger, noting that she has yet to reply to a single one of the 20-year NFL veteran’s thousands and thousands of obscene electronic advances. “Usually it’ll be more innocent stuff like ‘I’m touching it right now’ or ‘I want to explode inside you,’ but it can sometimes get super graphic if Brett feels like I’m ignoring him. What’s annoying is that I’ve changed my phone number like four times since this started happening, and he keeps finding my new one. I just want to move on with my life already.” When reached for comment, Favre responded with seven different photos of what was presumably his erect penis.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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