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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Jenn Sterger Still Receiving Lewd Brett Favre Texts

LOS ANGELES—Nearly three years after being embroiled in a sexual harassment scandal involving allegations that Brett Favre sent her a series of suggestive text messages, model and media personality Jenn Sterger revealed to reporters Friday that she continues to receive vulgar texts from the retired quarterback on a regular basis. “I would say that I get at least five or six texts from him every single day, and sometimes as many as 20 or 30,” said Sterger, noting that she has yet to reply to a single one of the 20-year NFL veteran’s thousands and thousands of obscene electronic advances. “Usually it’ll be more innocent stuff like ‘I’m touching it right now’ or ‘I want to explode inside you,’ but it can sometimes get super graphic if Brett feels like I’m ignoring him. What’s annoying is that I’ve changed my phone number like four times since this started happening, and he keeps finding my new one. I just want to move on with my life already.” When reached for comment, Favre responded with seven different photos of what was presumably his erect penis.

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