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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Jenn Sterger Still Receiving Lewd Brett Favre Texts

LOS ANGELES—Nearly three years after being embroiled in a sexual harassment scandal involving allegations that Brett Favre sent her a series of suggestive text messages, model and media personality Jenn Sterger revealed to reporters Friday that she continues to receive vulgar texts from the retired quarterback on a regular basis. “I would say that I get at least five or six texts from him every single day, and sometimes as many as 20 or 30,” said Sterger, noting that she has yet to reply to a single one of the 20-year NFL veteran’s thousands and thousands of obscene electronic advances. “Usually it’ll be more innocent stuff like ‘I’m touching it right now’ or ‘I want to explode inside you,’ but it can sometimes get super graphic if Brett feels like I’m ignoring him. What’s annoying is that I’ve changed my phone number like four times since this started happening, and he keeps finding my new one. I just want to move on with my life already.” When reached for comment, Favre responded with seven different photos of what was presumably his erect penis.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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