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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Jennifer Aniston Engaged To Guy Who Frankly Will Never Replace Brad

LOS ANGELES—After enduring years of failed relationships and heartbreak, actress Jennifer Aniston is now engaged to boyfriend Justin Theroux, a man who is not and will never be a true replacement for Brad, representatives for Aniston and Theroux confirmed Monday. "Justin seems like a very nice guy who treats Jen very well, but c'mon, you can't tell me he even holds a candle to Brad,” said Aniston publicist Stephen Huvane, adding that “Justin's fine, but Brad's, like, perfect." "Sure, she's happy, but is she as happy as she'd be if she had just stayed with Brad? Of course not. And you know she knows it." Sources reported, however, that Aniston’s relationship with Theroux is still "way better than anything she ever had with [Counting Crows frontman] Adam [Duritz]."

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