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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Jennifer Aniston Engaged To Guy Who Frankly Will Never Replace Brad

LOS ANGELES—After enduring years of failed relationships and heartbreak, actress Jennifer Aniston is now engaged to boyfriend Justin Theroux, a man who is not and will never be a true replacement for Brad, representatives for Aniston and Theroux confirmed Monday. "Justin seems like a very nice guy who treats Jen very well, but c'mon, you can't tell me he even holds a candle to Brad,” said Aniston publicist Stephen Huvane, adding that “Justin's fine, but Brad's, like, perfect." "Sure, she's happy, but is she as happy as she'd be if she had just stayed with Brad? Of course not. And you know she knows it." Sources reported, however, that Aniston’s relationship with Theroux is still "way better than anything she ever had with [Counting Crows frontman] Adam [Duritz]."

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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