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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Jenny Sanford: 'I'm Loving These Lax Gun Purchasing Laws'

SULLIVAN’S ISLAND, SC—Hours after former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won back his old congressional seat Tuesday, the philandering politician’s ex-wife, Jenny Sanford, told reporters that she couldn’t express enough support for the state’s lenient gun purchasing laws. “It’s just really great to know that in South Carolina, as long as you have a state ID and as little as $50, you can have a loaded, lethal weapon in your hand, cocked and ready to go in minutes,” said the state’s former first lady, whose highly publicized divorce from her husband—who is now engaged to the mistress he secretly visited in 2009 with the use of misappropriated state funds—was finalized in March 2010. “There are no concealment laws, and I don’t even have to worry about getting the gun registered. Perfect.” Reporters say Sanford abruptly concluded the interview, saying, “Well, I have to go now.”

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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