Jenny Sanford: 'I'm Loving These Lax Gun Purchasing Laws'

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Fantasy Sports

Jenny Sanford: 'I'm Loving These Lax Gun Purchasing Laws'

SULLIVAN’S ISLAND, SC—Hours after former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won back his old congressional seat Tuesday, the philandering politician’s ex-wife, Jenny Sanford, told reporters that she couldn’t express enough support for the state’s lenient gun purchasing laws. “It’s just really great to know that in South Carolina, as long as you have a state ID and as little as $50, you can have a loaded, lethal weapon in your hand, cocked and ready to go in minutes,” said the state’s former first lady, whose highly publicized divorce from her husband—who is now engaged to the mistress he secretly visited in 2009 with the use of misappropriated state funds—was finalized in March 2010. “There are no concealment laws, and I don’t even have to worry about getting the gun registered. Perfect.” Reporters say Sanford abruptly concluded the interview, saying, “Well, I have to go now.”