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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Jeopardy! Viewer Had No Idea He Knew So Much About Weasels

MILTON, MA—Longtime Jeopardy! fan Brian Kalorcz surprised himself Tuesday when a category on the popular game show revealed that his brain housed an unsuspected wealth of weasel-related knowledge.

"What is the Mustelidae family? What are mink, polecats, and ferrets?" Kalorcz recited from his couch, his expression changing from mild bemusement to genuine alarm as he effortlessly responded to weasel-related statements made by host Alex Trebek's on-screen image. "Who is Pauly Shore? Christ, where the hell is this all coming from?"

Kalorcz admitted that he was unsure whether to be relieved or upset that he did not know the Daily Double clue concerning the 1970 Mothers of Invention album Weasels Ripped My Flesh.

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