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Jeopardy! Viewer Had No Idea He Knew So Much About Weasels

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Jeopardy! Viewer Had No Idea He Knew So Much About Weasels

MILTON, MA—Longtime Jeopardy! fan Brian Kalorcz surprised himself Tuesday when a category on the popular game show revealed that his brain housed an unsuspected wealth of weasel-related knowledge.

"What is the Mustelidae family? What are mink, polecats, and ferrets?" Kalorcz recited from his couch, his expression changing from mild bemusement to genuine alarm as he effortlessly responded to weasel-related statements made by host Alex Trebek's on-screen image. "Who is Pauly Shore? Christ, where the hell is this all coming from?"

Kalorcz admitted that he was unsure whether to be relieved or upset that he did not know the Daily Double clue concerning the 1970 Mothers of Invention album Weasels Ripped My Flesh.

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