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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Jeopardy! Viewer Had No Idea He Knew So Much About Weasels

MILTON, MA—Longtime Jeopardy! fan Brian Kalorcz surprised himself Tuesday when a category on the popular game show revealed that his brain housed an unsuspected wealth of weasel-related knowledge.

"What is the Mustelidae family? What are mink, polecats, and ferrets?" Kalorcz recited from his couch, his expression changing from mild bemusement to genuine alarm as he effortlessly responded to weasel-related statements made by host Alex Trebek's on-screen image. "Who is Pauly Shore? Christ, where the hell is this all coming from?"

Kalorcz admitted that he was unsure whether to be relieved or upset that he did not know the Daily Double clue concerning the 1970 Mothers of Invention album Weasels Ripped My Flesh.

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